Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I have a doctor's appointment today that can and will be life altering, hopefully. I cannot continue to go on this way in my life. The depression is off the charts and the med's are immense. I am on every type of medication available for DEPRESSION, TOURETTES, ADHD, and even things I have not yet been diagnosed with. You would think that I would be happy by now. I hate complaining and I am not in any way shape or form looking or seeking for your sympathy. I hate sympathy. I think it is pathetic. Especially when there are so many others out there in dyer straights. I know that there is hope for me. I feel so blah. I can't even think forward. I don't have a creative bone in my body and everything I attempt to create, fails miserably. I lost that UMP. I am sad that I feel so sad, I am unsure why. If I could just get my finger on where all this is going maybe I could appreciate the reasons for this stage in my life. I have every reason to feel blessed. The blessed list outweighs the doom feeling I have yet here I am feeling like a lost soul in a sea of total confusion. I will find my way, I always do. I think this is the first time I have ever actually blogged about my depression so candidly. I will see how things go today. My appointment is at 2:00 with my GP. I love her and know she is on track with the who, what, and why, I am who I am. Fixing it is just not that easy. Till then. Fingers crossed and tears held back until I open my mouth at my doctors office.


Anonymous said...

I know you didn't want any sympathy .. how 'bout empathy? having been in long depressive slumps several times, i can have a little appreciation for how sucky this must be for you. Sure, others may be in more dire straights in some regards, but does that change how you FEEL? Nope! Your feelings are just that, YOURS! Just cuz someone else is worse off doesn't automatically make you feel better.

From experience, I can tell you that beating yourself up about feeling bad kind of perpetuates the crap circle, know what i mean?

Sometimes giving yourself permission to feel the way you do can be helpful. It doesn't make the blahs or blues or craipities go AWAY but for me it keep the anger & bitterness at bay better and tends to make it a bit easier to get through the low. I know it's different though for everyone. Sure hope the dr was able to help!!

iggystar said...

Ditto what bluebunny wrote. As a matter of fact, I was about to post a comment about "empathy" myself.

People with diabetes don't make themselves feel bad because they need insulin. Depression is a valid medical diagnosis. You can't wish it away. Who wants to feel bad all of the time?

When you're feeling worse for a long period of time, it's best to check with the doctor as adjustments might be needed. Just like a person with high blood pressure needing adjustment to their meds, though they're doing everything else correctly with diet, exercise, etc.

I understand. I've been going through the same situation and when my physician suggested upping the dose of one of my medications I felt so defeated. She had to remind me that this disorder is not based on wishful thinking.

Happiness is very complex for the average person and even more so with this condition. Don't feel too bad...about feeling bad. :)

bunnnyfoofoo said...

I'm not giving you sympathy, but what bluebunny offers, empathy. Depression is debilitating. Just because you've been given all of those meds, does not mean you're "well". Keep moving forward, don't give up on yourself. I've been given various drugs for long term pain, due to my shoulder injury/surgery. I couldn't stand the side effects, so I am back to living in pain. On the bright side, my tongue and mouth no longer feel as dry and crappy as a cinder block.
That's it, just be glad your tongue doesn't hurt.